blog.obsessed.

now that i have finally made my blogging debut, i am obsessed. i have been torn about what i really need in order to ‘get back to myself,’ after having O. this whole “motherhood is hard” business, isnt really that its hard, the hard part is honoring one’s self while being good at mothering. for me, i believe having a yoga practice outside of my home (for the moment) is really necessary. for me, i believe that having an outlet that isnt a friend/family/husband/my own brain to just bitch or release the never-ending-thought-flow is really important, which may be where this blog thing ends up. i teetered with getting a regular therapist, not a quickie to get through a rough patch. i have yet to be successful at both the out-of-home yoga practice or the therapist, a blog might be the immediate remedy i need.

and why, again?

i think there is a lot of judging that goes along with having a miniature person. judgement from family/friends/and worst of all, the self. from the very beginning the judgement comes in the form of “OMG, your pregnant!” to “you’re really going to name him that!?” and that is just the beginning. then it comes pretty heavily from the self. the fact that i may struggle and not want to talk about it cause i was once “super nanny” and i should be amazing at this, really drowns my self-esteem. i am amazing at this, i am also not really serving myself and my beliefs very well…also a judgement.

so, i will do this. i will let some pressure off of my shoulders by simply releasing some of these thoughts. i will open up a bit, too.

opening into cyberland?? not really ideal, but i have had a different take on that recently, too. i am generally pretty closed in cyberspace, but waaaaaay way way too open in person. if i am not on facebook sharing this stuff, then it feels a bit more guarded and less like “hey world, this is what i am doing!” i dont really know what that means. i am sort of yelling out to the world by keeping this public, when really its a vent, its a journal that i hope only people i dont know read. however, what got me going was when i read one of my students mom’s blog about raising her girls, and i was so inspired and i heavily related to it. i stayed up reading post after post of this quiet mama’s take on raising her kids and her life surrounding this giant task, and it didn’t feel invasive on my part, or flaunty on hers. it felt relatable, real, emotional, like a good novel, i suppose. so, here i am kind of doing the same thing. i let it begin with the first thing that came out of my head and it had to do with being a mom/wife/woman who feels locked in her own head! and i am feeling the release happen now.

warning: the beginning of this blog thing will have the tendency to be very tangenty.