experience really does not matter.

i received my first comment today! woo hoo! it was from a fellow Mama who has a very similar story. as a queen of childcare and having loads of experience with littles, she, too, commented on how having your own really doesn’t seem to compare. experience, my friends, really does not matter. as i stated in previous posts, i was the babysitter on the block, and then a high-paid, highly sought after nanny in CA, where the rate was ridiculous. i worked for high powered lawyers, retired NFL players, rich suburban families with 6 kids, and a multimillionaire traveling family. not to say that status matters when it comes to the kids, but these are the people that look for the best, and i was. so, then, mixed into these great jobs, i was teaching dramatic arts camps, dance, preschool, after school programs, etc., to kids ages 2-18–i was also teaching adult dance classes.. my experience with children, as well as their parents, was top-notch, and therefore, i felt very confident about my future role as a mother.

here i am, a mother to a gorgeous 9mo old boy. not 6 kids, not 100 kids, just one. it is tough. and although i know thousands of songs to sing, dances to do, games to entertain him with, and a pocket of tricks, my experience really didnt prepare me to be on the clock 24/7. my experience didnt teach me to have more patience than i ever could have imagined. my experience didnt teach me this kind of harrowing love–a back and forth game of “i want to be with you every second and snuggled so close,” to “i need to be alone with a bottle of wine and a beach to just stare into the distance.” its the second one that has been riding me quite a bit–i feel loads of guilt. (luckily i have a fabulous husband that reminded me that “guilt is what every good mom & dad carry, it just means you want to be even better for your child. just dont be too hard on yourself.”)

i guess the point of this train of thought is that its nice to be relatable, its nice to know that someone else agrees. i set the bar awfully high when it came to becoming a mother. ive been surrounded by friends and family who have helped me with that by constantly saying, “L, you will be an amazing mom.” now i am, and the guilt is heavy, the expectations are high,  (i am slowly letting go of expectations altogether, as they just serve as a way of self judgement), and it is the job of all jobs. and now, let me say this..

i am an amazing mother!

every time i get down on the ground an play with him, i know i am amazing. every time we dance, i know i am doing a great job. every time we walk outside and feel the grass or watch the birds, i know i am a great mom. every time i bust my butt to get dinner set for all of us to eat together, i know i am teaching my boy about family values. when he and i take woodford to the dog park, we go on an adventure, and that makes me a great parent.

at the end of the day, its the transitions that are hardest. those are the moments that no teaching job or nanny gig will teach you. those are the toughest moments to teach advanced dancers, too. every person is never fully prepared to deal with the transitions that life will present. i feel “mom guilt,” while some one is feeling “road-rage guilt,” or “teacher’s guilt,” its sort of all the same. i think the best bet is to slow down, be present and have no expectations (i thank my hub for that one, too). ❤